Ugh

So I thought I'd never write like this, but I was never a goal oriented writer. I never set out with pen in hand ready to conquer a challenge. I just write what comes to mind. I always told myself I'd never write like this. I thought that short bit from earlier this month was my only concession. Damnit, I kinda feel like a bitch for compromising my own rule. In hindsight, though, the rule bullshit in the first place. It's just me trying to assert the presence of my penis. Damnit. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn. Ugh.

I love it when she be asking me stuff,
I’m sure it’s been more than 21 questions
But it’s also damned well been more than 21 lessons
On
On
Love?

I been going through affection 101:
A crash course in touching
In holding
Feeling
Kissing
Licking
Living
And
And
Loving?

Fuck if I know.
I don’t know what I know these days
I don’t know I want to know these days
I don’t know what I need to know these days
All I know
Is that
I
I
I miss her

I miss her so much that I curse the sun for yanking me out of the dream that is her reality
I miss her so much that I caress my sheets hoping for them to become warm, to become alive, and become her
only to end up with fingers numb from touch and a mind numb from disappointment
I sit at home and experience a nostalgia that even the Pacific Ocean couldn’t arouse in me:
My hand longs to be at home behind her head
On her arm
On her belly
On her thigh

In her hand

All I have now is her
voice
on the phone
We talk about our day
Tell stories of what I hesitate to call “life”
As if her absence qualified as living
And we ask each other questions
And though we may be apart
she always be teaching me
these
these
lessons

life lessons

Love lessons?